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24 November 2009
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Communication with your teen

Many parents are baffled when their cheerful, chatty child turns into a silent or argumentative teenager. Just how do you keep the conversation going?

Your teen has a growing need for privacy. He may find his thoughts and feelings confusing, so it's hardly surprising he wants to keep things to himself. He's sorting things out in his own mind, not rejecting you.

To a teenager, it seems that adults always find the right words. He may feel unable to do this, so when he appears sullen, it may be that he lacks confidence to express things in the right way.

Don't be upset if your child sometimes acts as though you're the most embarrassing person on the planet - this is very common and doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

Effective communication

There are things you can do to make communication easier:

• Take your cue from your teenager - there's absolutely no point saying you want to talk, when he's rushing to get ready for a night out.
• Try to spend time alone with your teenager and go out somewhere if there aren't any opportunities at home.
• Share information about what's going on in your life, but only for as long as your teen seems interested.
• Use open questions that don't just need a yes or no response. For example, "How did the music lesson go?" rather than "Did you have a good day?"
• Don't use a chat as an opportunity to nag or tell off.
• Never put him down for his views or ideas; he needs your approval.
• Treat your teenager with respect, much as you would another adult.
• It's better to negotiate a solution than enforce your demands, so don't say, "I want your room cleaned up tonight," but "I'm getting really upset at the state of your room. When do you think you can tidy it up?"
• Use all the opportunities you can to communicate - for example, driving somewhere often leads to great conversations.
• Show you're genuinely interested when your teenager tells you things and stop what you're doing to listen.
• Don't overreact or fly off the handle if you don't like what you hear.

Things to avoid:

• Don't score points - like all of us, teenagers don't like being put down.
• Don't try to impose your ideas - he'll inevitably reject what you have to offer.
• Don't make snap judgements - listen to your teen before you jump to conclusions.

If there are really difficult issues you feel you have to talk about, such as bad grades or worries about risky behaviour, it's even more important to find a time when there are no external pressures and you're feeling calm. Using "I" statements always helps. Say, "I'm worried about the way your school work is slipping," not "You're doing really badly in school."

Explain your concerns calmly and listen carefully to his side of the story. It's fine to stress what you believe in and to be clear if there are any aspects of his behaviour you want him to change.

This article was last reviewed by Heather Welford in September 2008.

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