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23 November 2009
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Maintaining discipline

Paula Hall

Discipline is particularly complicated in stepfamilies. Some children react to insecurity by becoming disruptive, but working together as a couple will help you through this difficult stage.

In this article

It's important to remember that not all bad behaviour is due to being part of a new stepfamily. In fact, most of it's probably just 'normal'. Whether you're trying to tame a toddler or battling with a teenager, discipline is tough. It's the nature of growing up to push the boundaries and some children are more headstrong than others.

If you're struggling with difficult behaviour, then you need to work out what's causing it. Is this just normal growing up? Or is your child upset about something else that's going on in their life, at school or with friends? Or is it changing family circumstances?

A new step-parent, and possibly step-siblings too, usually means new rules and restrictions.

There may be less money, less space and less time, but often the children are expected to have more responsibility. Remember - they didn't choose this, so it's essential that you take things slowly and sensitively. Whatever age your children are, they need time to adjust to their new circumstances and to cultivate a relationship where discipline can develop.

Discipline can only be effective in an atmosphere of respect and mutual affection. The birth parent will have had many years to build and nurture a relationship where discipline's expected and accepted. So, at least in the early days, the majority of discipline should be handled by the birth parent.

A step-parent needs to develop a relationship based on mutual respect. When a child likes a step-parent, they will want to please them and behave well.

1. Be united – it's essential that children know the adults are a united front and support each other's decisions.
2. Be clear – agree the rules in advance and make sure everyone is clear about the rules.
3. Be consistent – stick to what's been agreed. Make sure everyone in the house lives by the same standards and that everyone knows that 'no' means 'no'.
4. Be flexible – as children grow up, rules need to change.
5. Be patient – remember that it'll take time for children to adjust to family change and bad behaviour is to be expected, but this is just a phase.
6. Be loving – make sure all the children know the rules are there because you love them and want what's best for them.

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